She is Beautiful

I kid you not. I look at her and all I can see is this radiant glow and it is the most beautiful sight I have behold.

A Missing Memory

I have found one of the weaknesses in my memory.

Try as I might, no matter what I do to try and prevent this, I forget my keys. And this isn't the normal where did I place my keys, this the Ack it is raining/I am late/mindless action where I just toss my keys to the side and then the minute I close the door or trunk I turn around in dread.

Thankfully it only happens when my mind is elsewhere but heabajeabas that is still bad.

So now I am stuck at school until my brother comes with his key from Fort Worth and going to class with absolutely no supplies.

Not to mention my low fever and fatigue is getting to me.

ReVisited: Ticking of the Clock

To tell the truth, part of the reason why I took a year too long to get to a Rheumatologist and deal with my disease is because I was resigned to dying.

I may be young but I have completed most of my goals:

I became an Educator and have positively effected some of the younger generation;

I dabbled in Human Medicine and I got certified in Veterinary Medicine;

I've had my heart broken and trampled on but at the same time I experienced life;

I met one of my Soul Mates and we are just the closest platonically, she is my lifelong friend and I have no qualms about the lack of romantic interest;

I have the greatest of friends, even though I am bad at keeping in contact they are always there for me;

I made it past 18 and graduated High School.

I may not have done THAT much but that much of what I have done have been pretty much the bombdiggity, to use slang. So when I was told that I had Rheumatoid Arthritis and that if I didn't do anything to treat it that I would die at a younger age, I felt that it was okay. It would be okay for me to leave because I have reached each of my goals, maybe not to the fullest extent that I wanted but I had reached them all the same. So I went with the flow and let it do to my body whatever it wanted to. Of course I would miss my friends and family but when you feel ready you feel ready...

My clock running out of tick tock with the end in sight.




But...

Then I met someone. I met someone incredible, someone that did not know how amazing and special and spectacular they are. I met someone who didn't just see me, I met someone that wanted to see me and they want to see what I can do. Someone who didn't see me the same way others did.

No matter what anyone says, this person has affected my life in such a big way I don't know if they could ever fully understand the feeling they give me or that I could correctly convey how much they mean to me.

I want to do more than just what I accomplished before, I want to extend those, I want to follow the new pathways that have opened up. I want to conquer this disease.

I want to conquer what could be the greatest obstacle in my life because I now know that even though you may have done some great things in your life if you just hold out a little longer and don't resign something extraordinary will happen. That the moment you find the will to go on is the moment that your path goes from great to Legendary.

They gave me a reason to want to stay longer. They gave me a reason to stick around and see what I can do with them. They gave me hope that if I stuck around, something truly breathtaking and beautiful will happen. I want to show them. I am going to show them just how undeniably gorgeous and brilliant they are. That no matter how badly they might doubt themselves that they are so very incorrect.

I am going to make sure they know that in at least one person's world, they made all the difference. That in my world, they pretty much are what keeps me spinning.

In just a split second of my life, I was rewound.

My clock will go on ticking.

Sometimes it hurts to even breathe, the tension in my bones stressing even further. She doesn't understand.

The Escape

Another Larka scare. Alex let the doggies out into the back without realizing that the garage was open and they all got out. We found Neiman and Liam lurking around the front and Jasmine was hanging near the drive way but Larka had ran into the other side of Oakmont. While I was looking for her she just ran up to me and hugged me. Alex is ditzy.

Sending Test Mobile Blogpost.

What Would You Do With My Pain?

Sometimes I have to wonder how you would react if you had all my pain.

Your left hand would have limited ability because your middle finger is all curled up from a flare up and has pretty much been permanently damaged, making even the simplest left hand task more difficult. Not to mention that you can feel it spreading into all of your fingers.

All of your joints are in a constant state of buzzing pain, that by the way can get so much worse but this is it at its base level.

Your spine is hurting and the cause for most of your immobility because for some reason you don't have a mattress to sleep on and you don't have money at the moment to spend on a mattress because you're spending it on medical treatments so you can live a somewhat normal life unhindered by this condition.

Most of your muscles are in pain too, being strained to the limit because of the arthritis. It's an auto immune disease, your body is attacking itself.

It also hurts to sneeze, cough, and sometimes laugh.

You also will need a cane to travel sometimes because your legs are hurting too much and unable to keep you up without support. Did I also mention that because of this, your knees are misaligned and your legs are now about an inch and a half in difference causing a permanent limp unless you're willing to take a little pain in your hips to make it look normal.

The best part is, no matter how much medicine you take, you can still feel the pain. It may not hurt while the drugs are in effect but you can still feel it, you can feel that after the medicine wears off that you will have trouble. The medicine's pain relieving effect only works at full strength for about 4 hours. That even if you have a good night's rest you will not know if you'll be able to move in the morning.

That even through all the pain, which can be registered at a 17 on a scale of 1 - 10, you struggle to keep up a strong image around the house because your mother looks at you with a piercing look of pity and disgrace with a tinge of resentment because her child does not help around the house as much as she expects.

Oh, almost forgot to mention. The medicine will become ineffective within a month because your body has grown used to it, making it so you will have to spend most of your days without medication. 

Complaints About My Mother

You're probably asking why am I displaying my 'dirty laundry' on the internet. Well for your information, when I tell you these things, you get mad and scoff and badmouth under your breathe and tell me that I am a worthless son and tell me that I should not talk back to you.

Yeah so go back to complaining that I don't help around the house enough because I am too lazy to do anything about my immense pain and immobility. You just keep it in your head that I don't have a disability or am crippled.


The Dogs:

I cannot play with my dogs outside because the grass is messy and dirty and apparently you are the only one who bathes them, you know... You bathe your favorite dog at least once a week and the others once a month. Good on you.

I cannot play with my dogs inside the house even if I close off the area for one room because you don't want them getting their hair all over the house. You would rather them be locked up in their crate for their entire duration inside, and then when they're outside you put them inside a play pen. Great Parenting there, it's obvious you treat them with the same methodology you treated us.


Helping Around The House:

I get there are things to be done around the house. I really do, but I cannot know what projects you want done so don't go griping at me for not helping when I don't know what you are doing.


 My Laziness:

I do what I can when I see it. I cannot help it if my body is in immense pain and has bouts of immobility. That doesn't mean I am lazy. For heaven's gates, I AM IN PAIN. I don't show it all the time but I spend a lot of my days in incredible pain so forgive me that I can't help you carry things. Or do the tasks that men should do because I can't. My Body is dying and all you say is that I should exercise more and be more open minded. I am extremely open minded whereas you are certainly closed. And exercise is hard when I am in pain and can't move. You should try it. You know, every single one of your joints is in pain all the time, and at the moment your left hand is limited because you lost the majority of usage of your middle finger making simple things like picking a cup up more difficult.


My Money:

You refuse to help me with my disability and paying for my medical treatments so I have to. So it is total irresponsibility on your part when you complain that I go to work and you never see any of the money. Wanna guess why? Because my condition is an Auto Immune disease that costs a lot of money to be treated. Wanna guess something else, even with the money I have been making, I am a full year behind the recommended treatment and might die sooner. So whoopie doo for me, at least I am trying to get it worked on.

Paying for my Medical Treatments is not "Dilly Dallying and Wasting My Money" you irrational, close minded, plebeian.

Do They Know?

Even though they don't know, they are the most important person I have in my life right now.

Besides my brother.

Unsure.

I do not know what to do with myself currently.

Life Requires Compromise

 My Brother’s 7 month old Dog has to be given away because of collateral damage between myself and my mother, on the extreme ways she goes to teaching the pets. I am so ashamed and upset at myself.

 

I'm going to give you a run down as unbiased as I can. So I will name myself in the third person.